When Dad Went Home

Dear Dad,

You passed away on December 3, 2013 at 10:57pm at Capiz Emmanuel Hospital surrounded by family and with so much love.

Its been 16 days since and it is only now that I have gathered enough strength to write anything since you embodied so much of my life, words will never suffice.

When we decided to bring you home on December 1st, my world just spun out of its axis.  Yes, there was fear.  Fear that I was going to loose you, my anchor, my rock.  Fearing the future would be so empty without you.

We have had conversations on this in the past.  We said all we needed to say and so much more.  We did all we could have over the years.  I can say that I can look back at my life with you and never have to say that I regretted anything or wish we had done this or that.  We did everything together.  We had our one on one time and we had family time.  Every moment we spent together was precious, and you personally made sure of that.  You always taught us to live each day with the family with quality and to the maximum.

But the reality of it all was something I never thought would happen at such a time.  37 weeks pregnant, we were this close to you seeing your new grandson.  The one that you knew I was going to have.  Dani's little brother.  But everything seemed to be happening all at once.  Not to mention the current situation of Capiz after Super Typhoon Yolanda.  Poor Joey.  He had to do the heavy lifting.  I could only do so much.

Seeing the air ambulance land on December 3rd just made things even more real.  Ironically, it was a beautiful morning.  The kind of mornings I would look forward to, coming home from Manila and heading back home with you waiting for me at the door.  The morning sunlight would be so peaceful and serene, orange hues all around.  

Bringing you to the hospital and seeing you lying there. 2 machines for your heart and lungs.  It was you, but again it wasn't.  You looked more peaceful than when I saw you a few days before that in Manila.  Joey was right, your body was with us, but we knew the real you went home already.

I will never forget the pain in Lola's face when she saw you.  How can you ever describe the pain in a mother's eyes, seeing her only son who was also the youngest, slipping away.  Seeing Lola sobbing in her wheelchair, at the side of her son who took care of her for all those years.  Loosing her husband at such a young age, to loose another man in her life that was closest to her.  There is no word to describe it.  But even through her pain, Dad, I saw her strength and her faith.  

Your sisters were there.  The women you grew up and shared so many memories with.  So many people who were close to you were there.  

The amazing part of it all, Dad, despite our sadness, we were not hopeless.  We still had our faith.  God was still in control.

Loosing you is the most painful experience in my life.  You knew that.  But, Dad, we had peace when it finally happened.  Somehow, we were together but in another way.  Despite the tears we had, we still had light moments of smiling and laughter.  That's just so you, Dad.  You always found a way to make us smile despite everything we went through.

You did a great job preparing us, Dad. By God's wisdom and love, we will move on.  But we will never forget.  I will miss you all the days of my life.

Seeing your highschool and college friends was one of the best parts of saying goodbye.  They came all this way to see you.  After all these years, I finally have faces to fit the names you talked about so many times.  They told us the same stories you told us.  In their stories, you were young and alive once more.  But then we also cleared some stories up where you ingeniously switched names so as not to confess they were your funny personal experiences.  So you, Dad.  I'm glad you told us all those stories.  Those are the things we can hold on to.

Danielle and Liam are still so young to completely understand.  But it has surprised us so many times how they suddenly say things out of the blue about you.  When we first brought a picture of you home so that we could prepare the house for visitors wanting to visit you, Dani said suddenly, "Lolo's home!"  They would say things like, "Lolo is sleeping."  "Lolo is playing with Jesus."

My daughter could have gained so much from you, Dad.  You raised me to be who I am now.  I pray for the same wisdom and strength to do what you did with me. I will miss out on all your advise and instructions.  Most of all, she doesn't get to experience what a wonderful man you are.  She remembers you, but I fear she is too young to hang on to those memories.  Just the way you were when your father died, too.

I will always remind her of her dates with you.  How you would take her to the beach and eat barbecue with her after your daily afternoon walk at the Stadium.  How you buy her books and bubbles to play with.  Even undergoing your therapy, you would go all the way to Iloilo (2-3 hour drive) just to visit her then go back that afternoon.  You would come all this way just for her (and me).  You would save her some of your biscuits for her to nibble on when she would play in your room or watch tv on your bed while you worked on your desk.  Camping in the lawn with treats just for her and Liam.  Watching her splash around in the swimming pool.  How you taught her to pray on her knees and thank God for all her blessings.  2 years is not enough.  Those were the things you did with me way back when.  And you could have had more memories of your own.  You still dreamt of binging them to Disneyland, walking with them during school activities, birthdays...

You were the best dad.  In the few days we laid you in state, so many people came to pay their last respects and shed real tears.  You helped so many people and touched so many lives.  Far more than I think you actually realized.  I'm so proud to be your daughter.  

Coming into 2014, its going to be a very different Christmas and new year without you.  I miss our talks most of all.  How I could just talk to you at anytime about anything and everything.  I pray I will be the same with my own children.

I thank God for you every single day of my life, Dad.  God became real in my life because He was so real in yours.  I love you so much.  I know you are closest to the Father now and that's what we all hope for.  No more sickness, no more hurt, no more doctors, no more sadness.  Only love and pure joy.

Always in my heart, Dad.

Believe

John 14:12-14

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.